ANXIETY!!!

Oh how I hate anxiety. You never know when its going to happen or why it is. Its the worse thing to experience. You feel as though you can’t breathe. Everything is spinning. Your heart is racing.

I experience anxiety so easily and sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling stressed or scared about. So today I had to go to work experience at a childcare centre because that’s what I’m currently studying through school and TAFE right and I just convinced myself I couldn’t do it. I have no idea why. This happens every Thursday and I hate it. My mum also hates when I’m like that.

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I’m anxious about going, then it makes my mum frustrated which then makes her and I argue which then makes me more anxious. Just a viscous circle and I don’t know how to deal with it. I always go for the easy way out but then when i do that i hate myself. I think so negative like

” I won’t be able to finish this course”

“I”m a failure”

“Everyone is going to be so disappointed in me”

“I’m not good enough”

Things like that. When that does happen you just have to try and change it around because you are good enough, you are a failure and you can do anything. At first it will be hard but soon you will believe it because you need to know things won’t be able to change over night. It does take time but things will get easier and better.

All this breathing techniques and “mindfulness” or whatever doesn’t even help. Like how is someone suppose to cope with something if they don’t know how to?

Another thing people try and tell me do to is “stay positive” well if it was that easy don’t ya think I would be over this be now. Like the amount of times I’m negative is too many to even count. Clearly the people who give this advice have never experienced it themselves.

There’s so much things that iI get anxious about. I can’t talk to new people. I’m just a really shy person at first and if I do talk I slur my words or stutter. Which i really hate. I can’t talk in front of a huge crowd. Just generally a lot of things.

I never really like commented on sh*t because I was scared of what people would think of me because that is a big thing for me but because of these two special people. That has changed. I might write a whole blog on how those people have impacted my life without actually knowing them.

I’m really trying my hardest not to care what people think about me and just be my self so i guess that’s another reason for this blog. To express myself and not give a damn if people want to judge me. c61f034e6029ec315d94dc6bdd80f629--anti-social-anxiety-disorder.jpg

So if you do experience anxiety like this the best advice I have for you is yeah try the taking the deep breaths and the mindfulness stuff but if that don’t work actually talk to someone who has experienced it. There’s no point talking to a counsellor that knows all about it but doesn’t know what it actually feels like.

Another technique you can use that most people don’t say is distract yourself. Do something you love. Like for me when I feel anxious or down I either watch my favourite you-tuber or TV show. Just a little info about me my favourite you-tuber is the dolan twins and TV show is vampire diaries. So if you like the same stuff as me. Please be my friend. Literally need new friends. The only friends i have are two faced.

Well anyway distracting yourself is the key. It could be anything at all. Also music is a good thing. Usually when I’m down or anxious I listen to sad music. Weird I know but it helps. You just have to find what helps you.

Everyone is different.

Also remember to surround yourself with people who care, love and support you. Without that you will just feel alone and that also is a horrible feeling. If you do feel like that you aren’t alone. You might not see it right now but people do love you

You can beat anxiety.

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A little bit personal ://

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I’m going to talk about a little more personal things in this blog. A bit about just everything. All about my life like the emotional side of it. Through primary school and high school I experienced a lot of mean comments towards me. Mostly happened from year 6 and until now. I’m sorry for how long and boring this is going to be. I just wanted to get this out there so people can hopefully relate to some of it because you aren’t alone!

In primary school people were mean but that’s just what kids are like so even though it hurt i kinda let it go. I did have a quite a few friends in year 8 but it just got smaller and smaller. I felt like i was becoming a smaller and smaller importance in peoples life. I always got replaced by someone better. I never really fitted in and to this day still don’t. I remember I didn’t have anyone so I would just stand around people I knew so I looked like i had friends. The mean comments continued. f9884a50cfe73174832bbe540723ec19--anti-bully-quotes-carli-bybel.jpgRumours were spread about me. People just calling me names and being straight up mean. Example mutt and slut. I even remember spending a few times in student services crying.

I didn’t let the nasty people get to me. I loved performing and was in a program were I did dancing and drama. I did concerts and I did love it but even there I didn’t fit in. I remember the girls didn’t want me in the piece they were doing even though I was practising it. Then in 2015 I started experiencing random pain in my joints. First my knee was really swollen and I thought I just hurt it dancing. I got it checked out and they said it was a torn ligament. Then my thumb joint starting hurting and I had more tests. The results were I had rheumatoid arthritis in basically all my joints. My life then changed.

It was really difficult to do dancing but I still managed to do a bit. My attendance went right the way down and I hated school, still do. I just didn’t want to go. I was in constant pain and couldn’t move most of the time. I was so stiff its hard to describe it. No one understood how i was feeling because to everyone I look fine. There was no sign of a broken bone. Nothing. Also the bullying continued. Like all teenagers I kept a diary and I made the mistake of bringing it to school one day and like the clumsy person I am I freaking left the damn thing in my class. Yeah I know biggest mistake of my life. Like the horrible people teenagers are, someone in my year took the diary, took screenshots of it and sent it to everyone. Yay me! Not! So yeah I didn’t go to school for a while.

Due to all this going on I wasn’t in a good place. I started feeling shitty a lot of the time. I kept telling people I was fine and I started to believe it myself but deep down i was broken. I was shattered on the floor. I didn’t like this pain. I didn’t like feeling like this. I wanted the pain to stop.  I felt so alone and it was slowly killing me inside. I looked in the mirror and hated what was staring back at me. I just hated everything about myself.  I always kept the tears back. I never showed anyone how i was really feeling. Then in bed by myself I just came crashing down. I was also scared all the time. Experiencing so much anxiety attacks over little and big things. I thought no one cared about me so who would notice if I was gone.

largeI then resulted to self harm. After a while my family realised i had bandages on my arm and wanted to know why. They soon knew what was happening and I was sent to counselling.

Things were good for a little while. Until the start of this year where I self harmed again and then from that it just got worse. The mean comments still continued and people even made fun of my “condition”. I had severe thoughts of wanting to end my life and actually nearly did. I had pills in my hand and everything but deep down I knew I didn’t want to. I was hearing voices in my head telling me to do it and then my mum thought it was time to go to hospital. We were in ED for quite awhile answering so many questions. Then they finally told me the wanted to admit me to a mental health hospital where I had to answer the same questions and talk about the same things again which might I add was really hard and painful. There I stayed for just under a week. They said I got so bad with the thoughts because I was on such a high dose of antidepressants but now that its reduced i think the thoughts have slowly come down.

They are still there just not as bad. I still have like no friends at school but the ones online are very supportive which I’m glad. So yeah that’s my story sorry if it was extremely boring to read.

If you are experiences similar things please get help straight away. Don’t make the mistake i did i keep it to myself for so long. I know how hard it is to be honest but its honestly worth it. It wont be always like this. Just remember you are loved and people do care about you. STAY STRONG YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

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School Time

The hardest part in a teenagers life is getting to school. That leap of faith to get out of the warm and cosy bed and leave into this scary place called high school. I’m currently in bed myself right now because I really just don’t want to go to school. Everything about it is just I don’t know. What is so bad about school that so many people dread? Is it the early morning? The work? The stress? The people? What is it? School is such an important part

Motivational-exam-quote-school-2014of our life and we just throw it away because we are scared. Without it we would go no where. We wouldn’t be able to do anything.

So if you’re one of those people like me who struggle to get to school try, think of the consequences of you not going. Try and think what you want to do when you grow up and how will you be able to achieve it without the education and support. Try and think of how bad can it really be. People wouldn’t put you in a situation that is going to hurt you. Well yes you can get hurt at school. Believe me I know but you just have to surround yourself with people who care about you.

Another scary thing is deciding what your going to do when you leave school. People always think “what if i decide on something I don’t like then I’m stuck with it my whole life.” I’m sorry to say but there’s a high chance you will decide something and not actually like it but guess what you don’t have to continue it. That’s a big part of life. Experiencingnew things. I’m doing childcare right now. I thought this was want I wanted to be. Yes I like it but it’s just not what I want to pursue so don’t stress. You will find the right thing for you it just might take some time but still have fun because remember you only live once.

After saying all this I still can’t convince myself to go. I always do that. Give advice to other people and can’t take it myself. I really don’t know why.  Maybe because I’m always there for people but when I need someone. No ones there for me.

Never-Give-Up-Quotes-17I just feel so alone at school and the pain doesn’t help. All through high school I’ve been pushed around. I’ve been through so many friendship groups I’ve lost count. People always seem to find better people and replace me. To this day I still haven’t found a person I just click with. A person who you do everything with. Even if its just one person. That would be better than none.

Even though high school is hard, I’m still going to push past it and graduate so should you. Just remember this doesn’t last forever. You will be free from it and everything that happened. Everything you’ve been through and had done to you will be forgotten. Don’t give up.

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Life of a 16 year old

A lot of people must think “damn life is f***** up” because it is. You never know what is going to hit you next and if you did know life would be boring. Life is all about the ups and downs all you can do is learn and grow from them. A lot of the time I think that life won’t get better. I’ve wanted to end it but who hasn’t felt that way. You just have to surround yourself with people who love and support you. Without that whats the point? You live just to die at the end. Its basically temporary so live life to the fullest. Don’t let anyone ruin that.

In 2016 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, that took me a really long time to spell, and things have been pretty s*** since then. I’ve let this control me. I’ve been through all the girl drama. The bestfriend who would rather be with her boyfriend then you. The family problems, the bullying. Pretty much everything and so has a lot of people. Its horrible the winspirational-quotes-about-life-and-time-HsJb.jpgay people treat each other. Like omg whys it so hard to be nice? Oh and I can’t forget the boy drama. Been there done that as well. Relationships are so much different these days. I swear some boys only care about is how many girls they can get or how cool they are. I know not all guys are like that. Don’t get me wrong there are some really sweet guys out there but there are some who are not.

Yes I know I’m only young. Boys shouldn’t matter but what girls my age don’t think about guys? Like seriously what is with all this talking stage? Like I’ve been at that stage with a guy for nearly 6 months!!! We aren’t dating. Nothing. So if you want relationship advice I’m probably not the best for that because Ill be honest, I’ve never actually had a boyfriend before. What happened to guys standing outside a girls house with a boombox or even just something simple as giving them flowers but that’s enough about boys.

Everyone truly deserves to be happy and if your not, if you’ve been having bad thoughts about anything please go and get help because things won’t always be this hard okay. Even if you don’t want your family and friends to know whats really going on in your life you can always talk to me.

Be strong because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it never rains forever

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My First Blog

I’m starting to blog because I want to tell people my story so people can relate to it and maybe even learn from it. I want to help people through difficult times. I’m 16 years old and been through some difficult times myself. If anyone would like any advice about problems I will try my hardest to help you out! everyone deserves happiness.

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